brushfire"This, yes, this, it was always like this." -Stanley Koehler
REFLECTIONS OF AN EMPTY NESTER
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At my niece’s wedding a few years ago, the minister quoted from Bruno Mars’ song, “Grenade.”
“I’d catch a grenade for ya … Throw my head on a blade for ya … I’d jump in front of a train for ya.” The minister turned to the groom. “Would you put the cap on the toothpaste tube for her?” she asked. “Would you put the seat down on the toilet for her?” Her point to the soon-to-be married couple? It’s the little things in daily life that matter most, not the heroics. With love in the air this Valentine’s Day, I asked four local couples I know — from a mix of social circles and range of ages, their names changed to protect their privacy — to weigh in on what they believe makes for a strong, lasting relationship. What was the most romantic thing their spouse ever did? And if they had to pick one word as the key to a successful marriage, what would it be? For Ted, who has been married 13 years, the most romantic thing his wife ever did was make a cake out of frosted donuts and give him a six-pack of his favorite Michigan beer (they lived in Florida at the time) for his 31st birthday. Separate bathrooms was “the best thing for our marriage” and his word is “trust.” Nick sees himself first and foremost as a family man. He and Téa will have been married 30 years in August. The most romantic thing Téa has ever done, according to Nick, is support him and encourage him to be the best he can for their family. His word is “laugh — together, at each other, at things that happen in your life together. Eric and Tami have been married 37 years. Each shared the most romantic thing the other did. “I am a deer hunter and spend a few weekends each year at our hunting cabin,” Eric said. “I really enjoy this hobby and sitting in the quiet woods, enjoying the outdoors. Tami always tucks many little love notes in various hiding places that I end up finding while we are apart. The notes are tucked in my sleeping bag or backpack or even in my cooler. Just little reminders that she loves me and misses me and it always makes me smile. This has been a ritual of Tami’s for all the years we have been together.” For Tami, it was a Christmas gift Eric gave her early in their marriage that “holds a very special place in my heart. We had a favorite movie that came out in 1996 with Jeff Daniels called ‘Fly Away Home.’ I absolutely loved this movie and the theme song ‘10,000 Miles’ by Mary Chapin Carpenter. I tried to find this music in a cassette tape or album at the time (no iTunes, Spotify or Apple Play, not even cell phones). I literally went to every music store looking for this music, with no success. One Christmas morning Eric had this gift wrapped next to a cassette player. He figured out a way to record this beautiful song for me on a cassette. After I opened it, we played the song and actually danced together in our pajamas. The song still warms my heart.” Eric’s word is “listening.” Tami’s is “connection.” When Harry met Sally, he was 30; she was 29. They’ve been married 28 years. As far as romantic moments go, there are too many to list, Sally said, from “seemingly mundane moments with little notes, a fresh cannoli, a task completed without request, a favorite dinner cooked,” to more traditional moments like sunset walks and sailing to dinner while on vacation. She does, however, single out “the most romantic moment” when, in the midst of a petty argument, Harry stopped and said, “Can we do one thing and then we’ll finish?” Without saying anything further, he put on “Let’s Get it On” by Marvin Gaye and they slow danced in the living room. “We never did finish that argument,” Sally said. “Balance” is the key ingredient to success in their marriage, she added — in particular the balance of compromise. “When we were first married, an older couple sold us their washer and dryer and told us the key to success was 50/50 in giving to the relationship,” she said, “but through the years we’ve come to appreciate that depending on what’s going on and our capacity individually and where we’re at with all the things life brings, the balance shifts a bit in different periods of time. Sometimes it needs to be 80/20 or 60/40 and sometimes it’s 100/100, but as long as we really don’t keep score except to make sure that neither is at 0 and we’re meeting the other where we can, it works.” Trust, laughter, listening, connection, balance. These are essential components — along with dancing, apparently — keeping these four couples together over a combined 82 years of marriage. I’m pretty sure if it came to catching a grenade for the other, they’d each do that, too. This appeared in the Feb. 13, 2020 edition of the Grosse Pointe News.
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Mary Anne BrushJournalist, fiction writer, wife and mother |