brushfire"This, yes, this, it was always like this." -Stanley Koehler
REFLECTIONS OF AN EMPTY NESTER
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My husband and I celebrated our 30th wedding anniversary earlier this month. We met when I was 19 and he was 21, so we have been together for well over half our lives. Recently our 23-year-old niece and godchild Meg asked what was the secret to a happy marriage. I wish I had been able to pass along one particular gem she could have held close and cherished. Maybe my advice would have helped her go from what she once dubbed “Mr. Right Now” to “Mr. Right.” I don’t remember what I said or if it was even intelligible. Here’s what I wish I'd said. Dear Meg, Your grandfather used to tell a story about a friend who kept a “pro” and “con” list every time he met a woman. His reasoning was when the “pros” outnumbered the “cons,” he would know he had met the woman of his dreams. What actually happened was he threw away the list. When you meet the right person, you’ll know. You’ll know because your friends and family will notice how happy you are before you do. You’ll know because he makes you laugh. You’ll know because when you think of a best friend, you think of him. But how do you make it last? A former co-worker once said the secret to a happy marriage is separate bathrooms. (He and his wife later divorced.) In fact, it may be important to have your own space, whether it’s a separate bathroom, your own closet, a home office or a man cave. Your grandfather had his own study, but the doors were never closed. Make sure wherever you live, whether it’s a big house or somewhere small and cozy, you spend more time together than apart. In addition to your own space, it’s okay to have your own interests, friends or activities. But find things to do together, too. Take walks, work out at the gym together, go on a bike ride or to a movie or, if your children are young and you are homebound, cook dinner together or set aside a time each week to watch your favorite TV show. Marriage is about the little things. Be nice to each other. Take the time, when you come home from time apart, to hear about each other’s day. It’s okay to be in a bad mood, but when you are, tell the people you love — and this includes your children — you are crabby not because you don’t love them, but because you had a bad day. You can plan the perfect wedding, but you can’t plan the perfect marriage. Marriage is not about things you can check off a list (photographer, check; band, check; wedding cake, check). It’s a process and it’s ongoing (patience, check; kindness, check; attentiveness, check). It’s okay to fight — all couples fight — but try not to accumulate baggage. If every fight circles back to something that happened 15 years ago, maybe it’s time to let it go. Unresolved issues will fester over time and if you can’t work them out together, outside professional advice may help you both gain perspective. It sounds cliché, but communication is key. Remember that poem your grandmother wrote? It was four simple words: “I always. You never.” Try to fill in the blanks. “I always do the dishes.” “You never tell me you love me.” Your husband won’t know what you want or what bothers you unless you tell him, and neither will you unless he does the same. Finally, whatever you do, if you did have a fight, or things are not what you imagined or as perfect as you had hoped, keep in mind your grandmother’s other words of wisdom: Things always look better in the morning. She had the optimism to believe there is nothing in this world a good night’s sleep can’t fix. Love, your aunt and godmother A version of this appeared in the Grosse Pointe News Oct. 22, 2016.
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Mary Anne BrushJournalist, fiction writer, wife and mother |